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| as i was talking to a friend about our friendship, it came to my attention that my efforts aren't really doing anything. although i felt offended that my friend said i probably wouldn't be the inspiration that really inspires you to change and mature for the better (for YOU not for me or the world), i realized that my efforts haven't changed you up to this point. i mean, yeah it was naive of me to believe that my actions and my love for you would at least inspire you to go to God, but i still tried. i wanted God to use me for you. although God has given me some words of knowledge for you over the years and up until this point, i feel like it hasn't made a difference. you're still the same person you were 6 years ago. it's been masked and molded and altered, so ultimately, you are still the same.
i still love you. i will always love you and i will never judge you. i want to be the person that'll inspire you to change but i'm not. so, i've come to the decision to fall away. i'll still always be here. i'll still always be there for you if you really need it, but it's time for me to "step down". i have to face the facts -- although we have conversations that nobody can replace or even attempt to re-do, our friendship is not changing me for the better (or for the worse). our friendship also causes me to feel terrible about myself and life in general. i've told you things that were okay for you to say and not okay, yet things haven't gotten better. i don't think i've changed negatively because of you -- you're just not uplifting me. when i talk to you, my general mood gets worse instead of better. it hasn't always been this way. i feel like we have "phases" -- for a period of time, our friendship will be AWESOME and SO uplifting.. and then for another period of time, it'll be the exact opposite.
this is not about what you did to me because i already forgave you and moved on. this is about what you are doing to me now. i have to hide our conversations to my friends. i have to pretend that i talked to somebody else when in reality, i was talking to you. is this the kind of life i imagine to be for any of my friends? no, so i had to reevaluate. if this is really a friendship that is good for me, would i be hiding it? rather than pretend, wouldn't i stick up for it and explain why i'm holding on?!
i have no more excuses. i can't keep holding on because now, there's nothing to hold onto. at least before, you were still a good friend to me. we used to talk for hours about random things and God. you used to help me with mourning. you used to uplift me and help me get through life. all of these things aren't there anymore. it's like you always say -- don't go chasing ghosts. now, you are the ghost that i continue the chase. im chasing after the person who is my best friend, who is a good guy, who makes wise decisions, and who is mature about life in God's eyes. i don't even know where that guy is anymore -- he's certainly not around lately.
so, this is the end to an era. i'm not letting you go because i don't care for you anymore. in fact, it's the exact opposite. if you truly love somebody, let them go. i'm letting you go. i'm not the one who will inspire you to change so there is no purpose for me in your life right now. i had a dream, and you were in it. now, i need to move on without you. i hope you achieve super awesome things that i know you're capable of achieving this year. i hope to see you sometime in the future and maybe we can be great friends again. just from now on, you're only my friend, not my best friend anymore.
i thought this song was/is appropriate for the moment.
I used to laugh aloud when you were around, now you're far away
Can't even hear me
With every other word you said to me as I fell asleep
Now they're fading whispers
I can't remember
I believed we were in this together
Giving everything for a chance at forever
I'm a dreamer
Who should've known better
But I thought you had a dream here too
I'm a dreamer who should've known better
Cuz now I have to live, I have to live
In this dream without you
With every other word you made me yours
With every wish you breathed
And every promise
Yeah, yeah
How did you read my mind,
Tell me every line that I longed to hear
Well you were so convincing
But you left me empty
I remember when we were both so naive
And now you're telling me that you never believed
I'm a dreamer
Who should've known better
But I thought you had a dream here too
I'm a dreamer who should've known better
Cuz now I have to live, I have to live
In this dream without you
And then it all becomes too much
Couldn't you fight a little harder for us
You traded dreams for reality
And promises you couldn't keep
And nothing was the way it seemed
I'm a dreamer
Who should've known better
But I thought you had a dream here too, yeah
I'm a dreamer who should've known better
Cuz now I have to live, I have to live
In this dream without you
I should've known better
Oh, and I thought you had a dream here too, yeah
I'm a dreamer
Who should've known better
Cuz now I have to live, I have to live in this dream without you
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| stop pretending that you consider me to be one of your best friends. stop pretending that i'm one of the few that you "truly cherish and treasure" in your heart.
i know the truth.
you choose others over me, even though you haven't seen me in 6 years. none of your stories or excuses match up. why not just tell me to my face that you don't want to see me?! i'm tired of the lies, i'm tired of the excuses, and i'm tired of this alternate reality you seem to be making. you ask me to come down to you, but you know that i work AND i have no car of my own. what do you do? oh, you bum it up at home and drive around in your snazzy car.
of course i can't tell you any of this. why, you ask? because the last time... no wait the last TWO times i confronted you about things that were bothering me, you became all distant and wouldn't talk to me (although you pretended you weren't mad).
this will probably be the only time that we're on the same coast, but do you care? nope.
we've been through a lot, and i have to admit our friendship is just starting to rebuild. i know it's wrong to assume things but hear me out; when you do wrong to somebody MORE THAN ONCE, shouldn't it be YOU trying to get back onto their good side and NOT the other way around? shouldn't it be YOU going to THEM instead of THEM going to YOU? i feel like that's what normal people do.
then again, that's just my opinion
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| how could you ask me to rebuild our friendship and then leave me hanging in my most vulnerable state.
you know that it's hard for me to confide in somebody -- you know it's easier for me to bottle things up than to share my feelings with somebody.
you KNEW it was hard for me to open up to you again.. and then what do you do? you leave me hanging. you didn't even ask if i was okay. you didn't even try to make me feel better.
actually -- after talking to you, i felt WORSE.
i was opening up to you. i thought we were actually getting back to how we used to be. you told me to text you and then you DON'T EVEN REPLY. instead what are you doing? fucking reading.
how do you think that makes me feel?! this is why i didn't want to open up to you. THIS IS WHY IT WAS SO HARD TO TRUST YOU AGAIN.
i called you one of my best friends. i told you that you are one of the few that i really treasure in my heart. i told you things about my life that VERY few know about... things that have been weighing me down, tearing my soul apart.
and what do you do? you read.
thanks.
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| how could you sleep with him and then not tell me until i had feelings for him again?
i mean, it's effed up enough that you SLEPT with him -- the guy that i've had an on-going/continuous thing with, the one i honestly think is the one, my best friend.
but then you WAIT to tell me until we might actually start something again?! thank you.
thank you
i'm pretty sure i don't really want to see either of you again -- alone that is because i might have the urge to shank either one of you.
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| it's one year today, and you know what i wish for, chris?
i wish i had more time.
i wish i didn't assume you'd be okay.
i wish we hung out longer that day we went to subway.
i wish you didn't get sick so we could hang out more and do fun stuff like listen to your favorite band, DMB
i wish we hung out more in high school
i wish God didn't take you home
but yknow, despite all these things, it makes me happy to know that you're no longer suffering. you're home. you're with loved ones and you're with your best friend, Mary. :)
so today, sing and praise extra loud for me. :) i can't wait to join yall one day
but until then..
i miss and love you!
♥RIP Chris -- 12.13.87 - 05.02.08
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